vague

I hate it when I get like this.
Things seem to be gonig ok for me right now. I have a job finally. I am paying off bills rather well and I finally have my parents support in music.
so why am I down?
Last night I was at work and there were just random points throughout the shift that I just felt like breaking down right in the middle of the store. I havent felt that way in a couple of weeks and I thought that I was finally starting to feel better.
But ok so this is really really gay and emo but...
After work yesterday morning I went home and tried to watch some tv...only to pass the fuck out on the couch (I have been doing that alot lately)
I won't go into the details of it here (or anywhere else for that matter) but I dreamt of something I know that there is no possibility of due to (again) unsaid things and about something I know will never happen (once again reasoning going unsaid).
rather vague I know...but
I guess the dream was a sort of wishful thinking of the subconcious mind (hell I'm not going to lie. my conscious mind as well).
its a bitch... but anyway...
It was one of those really wierd dreams that seem so real that in it, I thought it was actually happening...even up to a couple of minutes after I woke up. It seemed so real and so vivid that for a few moments after I had awoken from the sound of my sister slamming her bedroom door, I believed myself to be still in it but asking myself an unsaid question. Apologies for being vague. I dont feel comfortable discussing it.
but after those moments passed my surroundings became familiar again...and there I was..laying and not where I had thought...but alone on the couch clutching a pillow in my arms
and feeling as if I wanted to sink into the floor right then and there..
rather pathetic I suppose. but it kind of got to me the rest of the day and still kind of does (the dream that is due to its content and subject).
It'd be easier sometimes to forget everything...and just be. It'd be easier if I didnt care so much or not let it effect me the way it had. but I suppose that the only thing I can do at the moment is to try and give myself some more time.
but I still can't shake this feeling no matter how much I've tried lately. It still seems to haunt me
I dont know...
I guess I really am being too vague.
nevermind

White trash theatre

Why does Steak and Shake seem to attract so much white trash drama? Thirds shifts have been interesting to say the least. for instance...
Last night before I clocked in, a man wearing no shirt stormed out of the store, hairy gut exposed and meth toiled teeth glaring. I do believe that he may have been barefoot as well...mmm nothing like meth to get me hot!
anyway...
He jumped into this puddle jumper of a pick up truck, reved the engine, honked the horn desperately and then sped out of the parking lot.
" so uhm.... how many bugs did you say you saw crawling on you again mister drug addict man?"
well he left a trail of burnt tire, looped around the store and hastingly pulled into the parking lot of the gas station next to the store. Why he felt the need to go around the store to get to that destination when he could have gone say 8 feet is still beyond me. Maybe he thought he was being tricky!
"...let's hear her say that baby is mine now!..."
A woman stepped out of the store wearing daisy duke cut off shorts and a shirt that was just as short... exposing her hairy gut as well...
apparently physical traits do run in the family!
She scanned the parking lot and then came up to me and asked if I had seen a man leave in a green pick up truck. He was her husband. I told her that he had sped off around 15 minutes ago rather angerly and she flipped. the cell phone came out... and blew up.
After a few minutes, the man in the get away truck came through the front parking lot and upon noticing his wife standing next to the entrance...floored it as best as he possibly could.
...she ran after him...
Chocolate shake in one hand...cell phone in the other...screaming at what could be her long lost brother...
i dont know.
It was just like a bad Jerry Springer scene in the front parking lot. White trash theatre if you will

I do say that is one thing that I like about working there though.
Very very interesting people who say very not so ordinary things.
I especially like the people who think that if they scream "I want a blah blah blah, God Damn it!!!" really loud into the drive speaker box, that I will some how all of a sudden..begin to pay the slightest bit of attention to them...
I sometimes get the urge to be a smart ass though and ask them why they wish for me to have God put damnation on their steak burger.
...next person who says it is getting that reply...
- Because that's apparently one of the perks of working here! Need damnation?! we got it!!! -
"uhm... would you like some God damned fries with that as well Ma'm?"

I still think that the wierdest thing that I have heard by far though was a drunk man asking me if I would give a "reach around" to my boss.
I mean how do you respond to that...
"uhm... would you like fries with that?.."

I do also have to apologize for all those reading my blogs. I am fully aware that I am an inappropriate person. That fine line...just doesnt exist...
Margaret Cho-
"Dont go there?..I live there..."
so if obsceneties upset you- Run far, far away...

Gah I have been up for the past two days with about four hours of sleep. suck....

First Timers

Some say that his past lovers have abused it.
Some would say that may have caused some confusion but his heart's mistake
is purely accidental?
Please believe me when I say I think she's charming,
and that she's sweet: that can't be all that much alarming.
Yeah I know that I'd love her,
but something tells me that there's one thing,
which is needed that I find she might be missing,
(far down there)
I'd feel as confident,
as a sickly leper in a crowd of screaming children.
It's just that maybe I could go on make believing,
and dreaming of a good man with his grinning.
Yet, Aphrodite or fathers or anyone that'd bother,
would not believe me if I said "I take it back.
That was me only fibbing",
when stripped bare,
and feeling confident,
as the guilty verse not ready for it's strict inditement.
Sometimes they say that's how it goes,
when you feel totally exposed;
and left with your own equipment,
with just one un-changed circumstance,
that I'd change given just one chance,
and end up right here where I am.
You know I could really love her,
but there's something that is needed that I find is fucking missing!
Some may find that love is just incidental,
or dependent on the fitting parts,
that interlock like key and slot,
to sexual potential.
Is that where it is based when we don't speak it,
and that's the reason that some work to keep it hidden?
Yet, Aphrodite or fathers or anyone that'd bother,
would not believe it if you said "I take it back.
That was me only fibbing"
...or just scared.
They all seem so frightened,
when they think the future in store for them is un-certain...
Some say that just how it all goes,
when you feel totally exposed,
for just one un-changed circumstance,
that I'm sure that they would break their neck,
for if given their one last chance,
to prove to themselves that it was all just accidental...

I feel as if my head is about to fall off

I feel as if my head is about to fall off...
I went to the doctor yesterday and found out that my sore throat is not just your normal strep. Turns out that I have an upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, and ear infection in both ears and a severe throat infection. I feel as if everything from the collar-bone up is going to fall off at any second now.What the hell?I got put on two different antibiotics so hopefully that will help some.Even with all these fucking infections going on, I still find myself at K.W.C behind the piano writing away. It seems as if my muse has been in overdrive, powered by recent inspiration and current events going on in my life as of right now.But its appreciated none the less. At least there is something productive coming out of me right now instead of nasty ness. Sorry for the visuals...Working on the tenth song right now. not going very far with it though. After today though I believe that I may be able to get somewhere with it.Won't go into detail.Moving on.So it seems that I am stuck here in Owensboro. it sucks but at least I have a job now that pays kick ass and I will be able to get my bills payed up soon. Hopefully soon. I feel as if I need to be in murray right now. I dont know why but my gut instincts are telling me things. Strange...